Who We are Meant to Be
by Padfire
Summary: Sort of a fix it, but also a continuation- Marc and Kay find the world around them falling to pieces, not knowing which way is up anymore or where to turn. Everything is called into question as everything changes. They are faced with choices and tough decisions, but the surprising appearance of a friend from Kay's home may change the course of their lives. Posted on AO3 and Wattpad
1. We all Fall Down

**Who We Are Meant to Be- 1**

_Sort of a fix it, but also a continuation- the original is so moving and impactful, I've been afraid to touch it. This doesn't mean that I think this fic is anything compared to the writing of the film or the deep emotional impact, it is my way of finding closure with the events of the story (as the sequel has been stalled out for quite some time; if anyone has any new info I'd love to hear it). I have read some amazing 'sequel' stories on AO3 and have finally given in to writing my own. _

_With this in mind, be kind. I used to write frequently but have not had the opportunity in recent years. If there are errors, please point them out politely and take note if someone else has already pointed out the error so as to avoid repetition. Also- I am in no way German (except maybe a number of generations back) and as such have no idea how the German police force works outside of my own meager research. If you notice inconsistencies, please point them out. _

_For context- this will begin between the party/key return scene and Marc finding the empty apartment. _

**Kay**

I understand the struggle Marc has, with his new family and not wanting to lose them, but he seems to be letting me go in the process. There has to be a better solution, one where everyone is okay in the end. Right?

I went home after the party. I didn't want to cause more dissonance in Marc's family. In that aspect I was lucky- my family was understanding that I wasn't the same as everyone else and my parents taught my sister and me to fight for what we want. That is what I intended to do.

It was dark out by the time I got home. Too many memories were floating around that dark apartment, floating around and making the urge to avoid them strong. I had no idea where we stood anymore, and it was a frightening feeling.

Suddenly I was blindsided. A hit to my temple had me down on the rough concrete, scraping my hands and knees as I tried to catch myself. Before I could bounce back up, another blow landed, this time on my exposed midsection. This had me careening to the side and I knew there would be some major bruising if not sprained or broken bones. More blows kept coming, some falling on my already sore ribs, others on my back, and still more on my arms that tried to protect anything vital. Punches and kicks, kept coming and I found my own limbs not responding. No matter how hard I tried, I could not get my body to respond or fight back.

I could only tell that it was one person, no idea as to whom. They had only gotten me down because of the surprise factor. They were quick enough to keep me down. Clearly they were of similar strength and seemed to have combat training similar to mine if the direction, strength, and technique of the blows was anything to go by. All of this came to my mind after the fact of course, as one final blow had me unconscious, still on the ground outside of my apartment building.

I must have returned to consciousness not too long after- not that I had known the time to begin with. It was still dark and I didn't see any bystanders or hear any sirens to tell me that someone had called an ambulance for a man passed out and obviously beaten on the ground. The last thing I remembered at the time was seeing floppy dark hair and a seemingly familiar large nose. Add that to the other information I had subconsciously gathered and I had a pretty good idea of whom and what had happened. There was a splitting pain in my head and all over my body there was pain. Slowly I rose, making my way carefully and painfully upstairs.

Once I had rested and treated some of the lesions I had a couple of choices before me. Report him and face backlash from a lot of different angles. Don't report him and it would probably keep happening.

The thought of transferring again pops into my head, but that would mean leaving Marc behind- it was hard to know where you would go if you put in for a general transfer. Even if I did, I couldn't ask him to come with me. He would have to leave Benno and Bettina. Even if he chose me over her, she was and would always be a big part of his life. Would you be able to abandon the mother of your child, never to speak to her again when she was a kind of a woman as Bettina- whether you loved someone else or not?

Those were the thoughts pounding through my head as I made my slow trek upstairs. Eventually I made it, unlocked the door, walked through my small kitchen, and fell onto my soft bed. One good thing that came out of those events- I was too tired for any of the memories of Marc there to float through my head.

**Marc**

I felt horrible for brushing Kay off like that in the middle of everything. He didn't deserve it. I was just so confused and afraid. The two halves of my life collided so decidedly. Nothing was how it was planned out; everything had turned on its head. The worst part? I wanted to be with him, with Kay, but I didn't want to lose my new family. I couldn't think of a way to fix things without making them worse.

If only my mom hadn't come to the hospital in that moment. We would still be happy as a secret. I would hope, at least. Just thinking those words, I know they weren't true. Things had started falling apart long before the hospital, before the raid, even as far back as the beginning with Bettina I knew something was wrong. There had to be a reason that I hadn't asked her to marry me. Even before Benno was conceived. I mean, we were together for years and I never felt about her the way I did immediately for Kay. Maybe in the beginning I felt something more, and we stayed together so long because it was comfortable, reliable. We knew each other and loved each other- just not in that way anymore, if we ever truly did to begin with.

The party brought what my heart really wanted to the forefront and I was unable to deny it any longer. The problem was that it wasn't about me anymore. It was about Benno, what was best for him and for our new family, as well as what my parents and society would think if I made the wrong choice. What even was the wrong choice? My heart told me one thing, my surroundings told me another. Could Kay and I be truly happy in the public eye? What would that do to Benno and his relationships with those around him as he grew? It would be tough for him to explain. What about Bettina if she were to move on? What we had was safe, normal, comfortable.

As I sat with Benno, rocking him to sleep and watching his soft features, I was content. Bettina continued to ask me to talk to her, but I didn't know how. How could I tell my girlfriend of several years, the mother of my son, someone who you had always known as heterosexual that you had been in an affair with a man? A man who, if you're being honest, you loved more than you ever loved her? With as much as I loved Kay, I couldn't give up my family.

I was afraid.

There. I said it. I was a coward and would rather take the easy way out and play it safe than risk it all on my feelings. When things calmed down, maybe Kay and I could go back to how we were. He wasn't going anywhere. I could- hopefully- talk things through with Bettina and keep our family whole. I just had to do something that I had never been comfortable with- talking. Talking things out was something I had never been good with, much less in such a sensitive situation.

Kay and I just had to cool it for a while, have some space until everything else was settled. Bettina and I could work things out. First- I had to get rid of any evidence of a deeper than friendly relationship with him (just for the time being, of course). That meant returning the key and not communicating by messages and calls nearly as frequently.

With the plan of talking to Kay in the morning, I snuggled Benno to me, hoping beyond hope that my plan would work. I settled him into his crib and crawled back into my own bed, hoping to get even a few hours of sleep before facing down the future.

**Bettina**

I waited for days, weeks for Marc to talk to me. He had never been a man of many words. Things had felt off for a long while, before heeven met _that man. _Marc had always been closed off, had his guard up constantly. I guess I thought it came a part of his personality, what made him a great police officer. When we first learned about Benno, I was ecstatic. Thinking about it, even then Marc was distant. I could never tell what he was thinking, much less feeling, about anything.

I folded laundry, not sure what else to do to keep my hands busy. If I didn't keep my hands busy I would go crazy. I was on the couch, Benno asleep in his rocker near me, within reach if needed. I looked at him. Already he began to look like his father. Only a few weeks old and he had Marc's scrunch faced frown, expressive eyes, and dark hair. He did differ from his father in one way- he had begun cooing and making noises earlier than was expected of infants, when Marc didn't speak unless he had something to say (and even then he didn't often speak).

It may have been fairly clear, but not knowing for sure the nature of Marc's infatuation with _him _was driving me insane. There was a change in him; subtle things here and there. Yes, he grew tenser and drew further away, but he also brightened and seemed more comfortable with himself if not his surroundings.

It just wasn't normal. Nothing about it was acceptable in society at large. We had a family, we had been together for years. We had built a life together No matter what we had been through, what we still would go through, we were a family.

I folded and refolded a towel.

We had moved in next to his parents because it would be easier. Why would he push for that if he was intending on messing everything up? No, he had to be confused, intrigued, curious about something different, something separate from the sudden finality of having a baby. I wanted to be there for him, to keep our family whole, but I wasn't sure how to go on with everything changing around me.

As I folded the towel for the fifth time, I threw it across the room and went to the kitchen for a drink, having no idea what to do next.


	2. Falling Farther

Marc

The more I think about it, the more I struggle to understand what Kay was thinking yesterday, coming to the party. It just didn't make sense, and I knew Bettina wanted to talk about everything, but she was strangely not my top concern at the moment. I just needed to see him- just one look, one word and I would know my decision for sure. He hadn't even sent me a message since to party and it had me worried.

Walking past Bettina who was feeding Benno, I grabbed my keys, walked out the door, and climbed into my car; I drove off. All of this was without a word, despite hearing her calling after me, trying to get me to stop, still trying to talk to me. She knew where I was headed without needing to ask.

The whole drive my mind was occupied with thoughts of Kay, our moments together and how he made me feel. Being with him was like nothing I had ever felt before. It was a rush because of the secrecy of it, but also for the strength of our feelings for each other. It was electric- Kay was electric. So quickly he had come to be the center of my world (aside from Benno of course) and just as quickly had fallen to the side when I grew afraid. Once everything began to come to the light I wanted to run. That's why I told him to leave; I was scared and didn't want to talk about it in front of my family and our friends. Mostly, I wasn't ready for Bettina to know.

No, it was best to get distance for now.

As I reached the apartment that held so many memories, so many intense moments, I looked at the key in my hand. Kay's key. How can such a small thing mean so much? It held our hope for the future, a better, brighter future. Our hopes that we could be free- free to be happy however we chose, free to be who we were, who we wanted to be, who we were meant to be- whoever that was. Something so small signifies everything that has happened for the last several months, the incredible times that I had with Kay, and how much this meant to both of us. On that same key also lay all of the mistakes I had made, all of the wrongs, heartbreak, and trouble I had caused my parents, Bettina, Benno, and Kay. Especially Kay. We both knew the risk of going into the relationship but were blind to any of the consequences because of the intensity we shared.

I rang the bell a couple of times with no answer. Utilizing the key, I opened the door. I didn't see anything at first, the kitchen was dark, the only light coming in from the windows. As I followed the familiar path to the deck I saw him. He was standing, hood up and back to me, smoking as was his (our) usual pass time when we weren't otherwise occupied. He was leaning against the stone railing like he either had not a care in the world- or the weight of the world on his shoulders. This was my fault He should never have had to feel that way- he was too kind for it, too good to me and all I brought was pain to him.

Slowly I went up behind him and stood to his right. Even then I was unable to see his face. More mad at myself than at him, my voice came out harsh as I asked him what he was playing at, going to the party like that when my mom had just seen what she had at the hospital. I asked if he was insane- There were several people who had been there that I could have seen being suspicious. Through my anger, I registered that he had given no outward response. As I looked back, I knew I had been ignoring him and that he just wanted to be there to support me, but I certainly wasn't thinking clearly.

All he had to do was turn to me and I was taken aback, my thoughts and emotions frozen. His face looked terrible- and not in a sleep-deprived way. There were bruises and cuts, clearly caused by some sort of attack. He made some joke about having looked better, but I was too enraged with myself and whoever did that to him to listen. There was only one person I knew who could- or would- do that to such a kind guy as Kay- Limpinsky. No random person would be able to best him in a fight anyway, with all the training we had. Limpinsky was going to get it from me if Kay didn't press charges. Maybe even if he did press charges I would still go at him.

But, as Kay pointed out, that wasn't how it worked. Not for guys like him… like me. I had to admit that fact to myself because Kay had forever changed me, changed my identity. I could never be the same Marc that I had been before that fateful round of training.

Shaking myself back to the moment, I remembered my plan from the night before- keeping my distance from Kay until things calmed down. With the addition of him being attacked by someone we both knew, it seemed like the best option. If we stayed together, who knew what could happen from my family, from the other guys on the team. I doubted it was just Limpinsky who was homophobic; he was just the most outspoken.

Looking straight at him, at the marks across his beautiful face, I suggested that he get a transfer. Saying nothing about myself or what would happen with him somewhere else.

The question hung in the air like stale mold. What would happen to us? What would happen if he stayed? What would happen if he left and I didn't see him? Our connection, our- dare I say it- love? I had to make sure he was safe, at least for the time being. I could deal with Limpinsky and arrange things with Bettina before following him wherever he went.

So, like a coward, I left the key with so many important memories sitting on the wall next to Kay without a word. I walked away, leaving all of those questions hanging in the air. I was making the best decision to keep him safe- that was the only way I could think of to keep him safe and to have a chance at making everything right. He would be there, he would be safe, and I would still get to see him, even if it was from a distance for a time.

Kay

Marc had never been one for a lot of words, I knew that. But leaving without any was heartbreaking. I looked at the key sitting next to me on the wall. That was even more heartbreaking. He was able to toss me aside so easily, even with everything that had happened. Did I mean nothing to him? That couldn't be. In every moment we spent together I could feel our connection. I could feel what we meant to each other. He was my world. I was his escape. Was I really any more than an impulse, a curiosity to him? His suggestion to get a transfer stuck in my mind. A transfer, even so shortly after the last one, should be possible, but where would that leave us?

I threw my cigarette down to the cement beneath my feet and stomped it out. I crushed it with the sole of my shoe like it was Limpinsky's face. Would things have played out differently if I hadn't been attacked by him? Would Marc have run away? My other hand went up to brush a bruise on my face. A transfer wasn't looking so bad anymore. Marc didn't seem to want to stay, so why should I? At the very least it would get me away from Limpinsky.

My mind was racing with all of the unanswered questions. There was only one person left that I could talk to about all of this. That depended on if she was willing to talk to me- if she wasn't too upset with me for leaving and not calling for months, despite her situation. I really needed her support as well as her expertise.


	3. Chapter 3-6

Bettina

He had walked out. He hadn't answered any of my calls after him. I knew where he was going. I had known for quite some time, whether I wanted to admit it to myself or not. After not being able to sleep much the night before, I had called Frank. None of those night shifts Marc had 'been working' were actually night shifts. Something in the back of my mind had told me that I had known all along. I realized I didn't know Marc anymore, I didn't know what kind of person he had become. He had been lying the whole time.

I told him just that when he came back from _that man's _place. Something in his eyes told me that something had happened, changed, and not in a good way.

I had begun packing a few things of mine and Benno's into a bag. We needed to get some space to think things through. There was too much at once and Benno deserved more than I would be able to give him if I stayed there any longer. As I packed up our things, I told Marc that I would be staying with Frank and Claudia. He could have the house. There were too many memories there for me to be comfortable.

He asked me to stay- asked if I would stay if he told the truth. Ha. The truth. I doubted even he knew what the truth was anymore. I was afraid to hear him say it out loud as well. To know that I had lost his love and the hope for a future, this perfect little dream family we almost had.

When I had first met… Kay… I thought he was nice, an okay guy. Even then Marc seemed odd about him. We didn't really encounter each other often after that day at the bowling alley, but he _kne_w. That was what got to me the most. He knew that Benno was coming but he still pursued Marc anyway. Can a good man really be good if he is determined to ruin a happy family?

Marc may not admit any of it directly, but he couldn't deny it anymore, either. No matter how much he may say he still loved me, how much he wanted it to work or me to stay.

Kay

Finishing my phone conversation, I felt a little better about everything. I had a clear plan in mind as to what I was going to do moving forward. First, I had to speak with the Staff Sergeant.

The drive to the station was a nervous one. I knew I couldn't talk to Frank- he was too close to everything going on and everyone involved.

The staff Sergeant was curious about the sudden change especially after joining that station less than a year before. He knew not to question it, though, by the state of my face. I asked for any placement away from there, preferably near Ulm. He told me he would make a few calls and see what he could do. I asked for as much discretion as possible, to let the others think I'd disappeared, run away.

Marc would know the truth- that I needed to get away from everything, even if it meant giving up on him. Having my key returned broke me, and I didn't know if I could continue on as I was. Which was where my previous phone call came in; I knew she would be able to help. She had been through similar troubles and came out alive on the other side.

I left the station- on guard for anyone from my squad being around or recognizing me. As I settled in my car I was much more relaxed. Part one of my new plan forward was done. That was the only thing keeping me going- get each step done and be away from the nightmare.

Marc

I didn't know what to say. I knew I had hurt all involved. Even going so far as to beg Bettina to stay, if I only told her the truth. She already knew what had been going on. Of course she did. Every plan I had made the night before seemed futile. I knew I had to talk with Bettina before I could sort things out with Kay. My parents would just have to wait in line of people waiting to kick me in the butt.

I wanted to give Bettina some time to cool off. She had always been the calm one, able to stop arguments in their tracks and be reasonable about every situation. Like when we decided to move into the house next to my parents. It had been my idea and she hadn't liked it at first, but was able to negotiate and come to a compromise about it.

I went out back of the empty house, sitting and waiting for something to happen. That was me, always waiting for something to happen, never taking action for myself. The one time I did, it all ended in disaster.

I don't know how long I sat there, but I knew I would have to move sometime. Thankfully I had a few days off after what happened with Limpinsky. That was it. I would wait a day or two before going to see Bettina. She always calmed down quickly and I'd be able to get her to return home. I'd get her and Benno back if I couldn't have Kay at the moment.

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't go anywhere, see anyone- all of our friends were mutual and I had to sort things out with Bettina before I would try to go talk to Kay again. Even Frank was off limits to ask for a drink because he was in the middle of Bettina and I separating.

Eventually I had enough beer in my system that I passed out in a bed that felt a bit too empty.

Time continued to pass in a blur, not sure what time the next day I went by Frank's house to talk to Bettina. Driving time was really good thinking time. My hands were busy as well as my mind. I realized I still loved her, I loved her for giving me Benno, I loved her for giving me years of her life, I just couldn't love her as a lover anymore. Either way, I still wanted to try and have a family with her, no matter whether we ended up staying together or not.

There was one problem with talking to her about it, though. Claudia immediately called Frank and he wouldn't let me see her. No matter how much I pleaded, it seemed futile. Frank tried talking me into leaving as I grew more upset. My life had fallen apart and I had to do something. Calling for her, begging her to talk to me, Bettina finally appeared at the door. She nodded to our friends to go back inside while she talked- or yelled- at me.

Finally coming to terms with the fact that I needed to man up and tell the truth, the whole truth, not just what happened but also how I felt- I admitted to the affair out loud. I told her I still loved her. She fired back, obviously still angry. What she said should have been obvious to me- I shouldn't have done it in the first place. Did the whole thing make me gay? I didn't think so. No other man had made me feel anything even remotely similar to what Kay made me feel. Her last words stuck with me- what did this all make me? Other than a scumbag of course.

Kay

I was supposed to work a shift that day, but I called off. When they tried to press the issue, I told them to talk to the Staff Sergeant.

As I stamped out yet another cigarette, the doorbell rang. Two soft knocks followed immediately afterward. That told me exactly who was standing on the other side of the door. I swung it open to see the one person who was able to give me some sort of foundation at this time.

Mia

The building I looked up at was nice enough. It was in a quieter part of town, much to my relief. Kay was a private person, only really opening up to people important to him. And with everything that had happened, it was good that there wasn't a lot of noise or people around to stare. Having people around such a nice person watching as he went through one of the toughest parts of his life. It was bad enough when… No, that had nothing to do with what was happening with him at his station and with Marc. Kay was a very important part of my life, I would do anything for him, and the thought of anything bad happening to him made my heart wrench in pain.

With a tiny bundle in my arms, I made my way to the elevator and to Kay's door. I rang the doorbell, and then knocked twice softly. Our age old secret knock (we improvised for when there was no doorbell by adding a patterned knock at the beginning). The benefit of knowing each other for so long- we could nearly read each other's minds. Seeing the look on his face when he pulled the door open, I knew immediately he needed out.

He looked haunted. Pale, gaunt, sleep deprived, and with red rimmed eyes. I hadn't seen him like that for years. Again, my mind drew back to that painful time years ago, that, in a way, didn't compare- couldn't compare to the situation he found himself in as I stood there. The way he looked alone was concerning. Not even considering his desperate call to me a couple of days before.

I walked into the small galley style kitchen and looked around at boxes both assembled, empty and partially filled, and still lying flat around the counters and floor. He didn't have much to begin with, a lot of his less day-to-day items had been left at my home as they weren't as important. The shape Kay was in, I was surprised he had gotten as far as he had.

Not a word was said. None was needed. I passed my vaguely wiggling bundle to Kay after he shut the door behind me. I set my oversized bag on the counter next to a pile of still flat boxes and gestured for him to go out onto the balcony to get some air while I got to work.

Kay hadn't gotten to know my little bundle, Dietrich, well as he left before he was born and had only briefly visited and/or video called during the intermittent time- with good reason. Dietrich looked much like me- dark brown hair with blond tints, still blue, wide eyes that looked like they wanted to darken to a gold/green, and a small, flat nose with slightly oversized ears. All in all, Dietrich was one of the cutest babies I had ever seen (my opinion was completely non-biased, of course). It didn't worry me, leaving him out of my sight with Dietrich being so small, Kay had always been good with children and I could tell he would be wonderful with Dietrich.

I began simply where Kay had left off. As the day wore on, I found myself carefully wrapping, boxing, folding, taping. After a while, I suggested taking a break and going to get some food. Really, all that remained was labeling the boxes, wrapping the bed as well as we could to protect it, and contacting the moving/delivery company to have them delivered to my home in Ulm until Kay got his new assignment. Or longer if the assignment was close. I'd had to say, having someone else there would make life a little easier with a baby at home, and getting ready to go back to work. Having Kay close would be just like old times.

It had only been a few days since Kay first called, so moving him was a bit rushed. It was clear that he needed to just get away. I would go back to his apartment later that week, once the moving company was there and ready to go. The day after all of his stuff was moved was reserved for deep cleaning and making sure nothing was left or out of order. When that was done, we would travel home. Home. I hoped that I could still provide that for Kay, with his home in Marc being ripped away so suddenly.

Kay continued to cuddle Dietrich all through dinner, even when he whined wanting food, or needed to be burped. Our early dinner conversation was otherwise filled with discussing memories, old stories and silly moments- all things to keep his mind off of everything that had happened. We laughed about all of the trouble we caused. Kay always said he would join the police to infiltrate the system- create anarchy from within. All in jest of course.

What he needed for the next few days was rest. Rest and not letting him focus on the bad, the disappointments, the sadness. Rest, and to be where he knew he was loved and cared for, where he could feel sage and supported- somewhere he was familiar with. Once he was ready, we could talk more in depth about everything. He knew I would understand, I had found myself in a similar place not that long before and had come out the other side with the help of my family and support of loved ones.

Bettina

I did a lot of thinking over the next few days. It had felt like an age since everything came to light and Benno and I had left. Over those days, I had come to a decision. Even if I was still hurt, upset, in pain, Benno needed to be home as much as I needed to have my say with Marc. I couldn't even find it in myself to be properly jealous. How could you be jealous of your boyfriend being with another man? If it had been a woman- Britt or any woman for that matter- I could have processed it all a little more easily. A many being with a man- it just didn't happen, not in the society we kept. Much less did a committed, straight man being with another man. I just had to get my say in once more before I let go. Nothing could go back to the way it was. Not that I knew what moving on would look like yet, but I would have to try. It was time that Benno and I returned home.

Marc

No focus. That is what I had. No matter what I did, there was no focus on any of it. I tried my normal pass times of sitting out back, mowing the lawn, watching tv- I still didn't think it was a good idea to have anyone over or go out drinking just yet with Frank. Nothing could shake it.

Everything around me seemed to dull and darken- one moment blending into the next. There was no point to caring about my surroundings anymore; no one was there to care. My parents weren't speaking to me, Kay wasn't an option, and Bettina hadn't tried to contact me.

Finally working up the strength to go out, I went for a run. It was not a great decision by any means. All around me were memories of when Kay and I would run. 'Breathe evenly' he would say to me. Those days seemed like so long ago. When I struggled to go even a mile, now I could run for an hour and not feel out of sorts. IT was all thanks to Kay. I stared at the trees, the path in front of me. The wind in my face lent some relief to the humidity and sweat building. I breathed in with each step; out with my feet pounding into the ground. I ran to forget, I ran to numb myself even more. I ran to out run the pain and memories. Too bad the memories were faster. Thoughts of Bettina, the ever present longing to see Kay, thoughts of Benno, worry over work all flooded my mind. I had called off for a shift that day, having had the two previous days off (I was pretty sure Frank had something to do with it).

In the time since everything went to hell in a handbasket I had done a lot of things that I wasn't proud of, I had become some person that I didn't recognize and I wasn't sure if I liked him. If I didn't like whom I had become, how could Kay or even Bettina like the new me?

By the time I had run myself ragged, I had been gone hours. Sweat had stopped forming- a good sign I needed to stop. The drive home was once again silent, no music to drown out my thoughts.

Walked into the house and immediately noticed something out of the new normal. Benno's car seat was in the hall, and I could faintly hear the tv on. I poked my head into the livingroom to see Bettina sitting on the couch, staring back at me.

I gave a quiet, uncertain greeting before going to get a shower. There was no point in trying to talk to her before then, I would

N't want to talk to me in that state either.

For a moment I could pretend that it was all okay, everything was back to normal. Bettina and I had been doing our normal routine and Benno had been sleeping. I had finished a hard shift at work and was in the shower to relax. Reality washed over me in an instant when the curtain was pulled back suddenly and Bettina stood there, fully clothed and looking at me with tears in her eyes.

Hitting me over and over, attacking me with all of the anger and pent up emotions she had within her, she demanded, 'Tell me how. Tell me how you like it.' She pushed me to the shower wall. I wasn't going to fight her. I may not have been my brightest at that time, but I was smarter than to go against a woman overcome with emotions- much less emotions that I had caused. 'Do you want it from behind? Do you like it like that?'

She abruptly stopped. I looked to her. 'I can't even be properly jealous!' sobbing, she deflated and began to sink to the floor of the shower. I couldn't think of anything to do beyond hold her. The water was off, thankfully, but she was soaked through. She would have to change if she didn't want to get sick. That could wait, however, as she was finally able to release everything. I couldn't blame her, not even then. I knew I had messed up. I had ruined the perfect life we could have had. We were both lost.

Eventually, I was able to get us both up and out of the shower, moving into the bedroom where her bag sat on the bed. Neither of us spoke- we didn't need to.

Yet again I lost track of time, but it had to be nearing night. It had been a couple of weeks since the hospital, and then the party. Around a week since I returned the key. Had it only been that long? It felt like an age. Bettina had been gone most of that time. If she did stay, I wasn't sure I could, not anymore.

I slept on the couch that night. Bettina and Benno curled up in our… her bed.

Marc

Neither of us spoke the next morning either. As things had come to a sort of truce between Bettina and I, I decided it was time to return to Kay and explain. She and I made eye contact and she nodded, understanding. I bolted for the car.

There was so much to explain. There was so much I wished I could take back. An uneasy feeling came over me and I pounded on the steering wheel, shouting. It hadn't occurred to me before how Kay could have taken my actions toward him. No! No no no! I had to get there.

I rang the doorbell. No answer. I pounded on the door. No answer. No. I won't let that be the truth. Not giving a thought to how much trouble I could get into, I kicked the door in. No! There was nothing. I walked through the small entry into the main area of the apartment. Nothing. Silence and empty space. 'Kay?' I called out into the emptiness and my voice echoed off the walls. The empty walls, empty counter, empty sink, empty room. Shadows formed around me. Again with the memories of a place that had held so many special moments.

I couldn't take it anymore. I reached the far wall, where his couch had been, where we had been so content, and I sank to the floor, crying. I remembered the moment I was sitting on that very couch, waiting for Kay to return and ask him about the raid. He should have known better! I was so scared at that time. I was still scared, even more so at the thought that I had lost him forever. Love me? Could he really leave me if he loved me? No, I loved him just as much and I wasn't going to leave him.

But what if that's what he thought? What if that is what my returning the key to him meant to him? Not as a way to keep him safe or keep some sort of sanity in the explosion of our lives, but as me giving him up? Me not thinking we were worth it- not thinking _he_ was worth it? What had I done?

Mia

When I first returned to the building, what I was expecting was an empty apartment, cleaned and ready to be left officially. That was not actually what was in front of me. What I saw instead was a broken door and a man with dark hair curled up on the floor of the main living area. The curtains were all drawn, and the way the light fell on him only seemed to highlight his anguish. Dietrich was in his carrier on my chest, sound asleep (one thing I was thankful in all of this was that he was still small enough to sleep quite frequently).

Reason told me who he had to be- Marc Borgman. I doubted a random stranger would break into someone's apartment to just leave the door open and sit sobbing on the floor. He was also too clean and clearly empty handed to be a homeless man seeking shelter. I doubted anyone else in the town would have been close enough to Kay to know where he lived, much less be in such a state to break in and sit, still sobbing.

He hadn't noticed my presence yet. Not until Dietrich let out a small whine in his sleep. When that happened, Marc's head shot up. He immediately grew defensive, obviously having no idea who I could be. I gave him the universal polezei signal of 'safe' before slowly approaching. That seemed to make him relax even minutely. When I had reached the end of the walkway, right next to the counter that made up the kitchen, I kneeled down, careful not to jostle the sleeping infant too much. That was the last thing we would need- a screaming baby.

'Marc,' I spoke slowly. 'That is your name, right?' He nodded, still unsure. 'I'm Mia. It's nice to finally meet you. Kay has told me all about you.'

At the mention of Kay, Marc became even more defensive rather than being reassured. Thankfully, I worked to resolve delicate situations every day before I had Dietrich, and would return to it once my leave was over.

'You're wondering how I know you, how I am related to Kay. He has told me a lot about you ever since you both were bunked together at training. We have lived together for years- I'm essentially his sister in everything but blood. He has also sent me a few pictures of the two of you together. It is clear the bond the two of you have.'

I extended my hands in front of me slightly, palms open and up, showing I meant no harm. He began to sink further into his place at the wall, muscles relaxing and his mind going off of high alert.

He eyed the bundle on my front. To further reassure him, I stated, 'This is Dietrich. My little guy. You have a little boy also; Benno, right? From what Kay told me he is a couple of months younger than Dietrich.'

Marc nodded, confirming that his own little boy was only a month or so old. I smiled, he smiled. 'Would you like to hold him?' Marc looked shocked, but shrugged. I gently removed the straps and pulled Dietrich from his carrier, passing him to Marc, who held him gently.

'Kay's been watching him for me while I have been here cleaning. I decided to give him a break while I came to finalize everything. Little did I know I would run into a new face and a new problem with the door.' I joked, hoping to lighten the mood. If he was anything like Kay had described him, this was probably the first time since everything happened that he had allowed himself to cry. He let silent tears stream down his face, the pain clearly etched there.

Once I knew he was reassured and calmed, I asked him to tell me his side of everything. Kay had told me his observations and thoughts. Though he was observant, he didn't know everything. There had to be more.

Marc

I pondered her question for some time. The woman was definitely strange. An anomaly if I ever had seen one, not at all what I had expected. The small baby in my arms comforted me in a way, grounded me. He looked so much like Benno, but so opposite, too. The woman- I didn't remember what she said her name was- looked very similar to Kay with light eyes and blond hair that was just slightly curly. This baby reflected that. His eyes were already beginning to change to a sea green, and his hair a dirty blond color. Could he be….? No, that wouldn't make sense. The timing would be completely off as well. He would have said something.

The look on my face must have given something away, because the woman paused in her motions. She had begun to stand. 'Kay is the closest thing that boy has to family aside from me, but he's not his father, no need to worry.' She gave a slight smile.

'What's your name,' I asked her quietly, not wanting to disturb the baby. 'I wasn't focusing when you said it earlier, sorry.' Saying sorry was still so new to me. I had had to say it so often lately.

Again, she smiled faintly at me. 'My name is Mia.' Mia. That's right. She sat back down on the floor facing me, and repeated her question. 'Will you tell me your side of the story? I've heard what Kay has to say, how he feels in all of this, but I would like to hear your reasoning behind everything.'

This felt different from when Bettina wanted me to talk to her. She wasn't accusing or angry, she was outside of events- not being present throughout it all. I could hope she would be objective in that respect, although she was so close to Kay, she could become angry with me. Mia didn't seem like the type of person to react harshly though; especially when she let me hold her baby.

Taking a deep breath I began to tell her my thoughts from the beginning- and now I realized how wrong I was in everything. The shock of Kay being gone and finally having to talk through things from the start put it all in perspective. I. Was. A. Dick. How could Kay, how could Bettina ever want anything to do with me again?

'I don't know how it started. He was there. He was so persistent. He was different. I felt overwhelmed with everything going on at home and wanted something just for me, I guess.' As I continued my tale, I came to realize how much of a coward I was. I had so many chances to tell Bettina, so many chances to stop with Kay, so many chances to make things right- and I missed them all, until it was all beyond my reach.

That was probably the most I had ever said at once. Losing track of time seemed to be a running theme with me since everything crashed and burned. By the time I was done with my monologue- because Mia hadn't said a word the whole time- the sun had definitely move far enough in the sky for it to be past noon, probably early afternoon, surely past lunch.

Mia sat silent and still, eyes on Dietrich in my arms. He seemed to sense the change in the atmosphere and began to whine, slowly waking and searching for his mother. She took him from my arms gently, grabbing a prepared bottle from what I assumed was an insulated pocket in the diaper bag she had discarded with the front carrier he had been in. Mia moved to sit against the wall with me while she fed him.

'I can see where your motivations come in, and even understand some of your reasoning. I can't say that I agree with you completely, you really damaged a lot of people, but you don't need another person condemning you. You seem to do enough of that yourself.' She sighed. 'I can see the regret in your eyes and hear the pain in your voice. That does not excuse what has happened. I won't tell you what Kay has planned, it is up to him to contact you if he wants. I will tell you that you shattered what trust was there, and hurt his already damaged heart.

'He put a lot of effort toward you because he knew you were worth it. I'm not excusing what he did, either. When he found out about Bettina- especially when he knew about Benno- he should have backed off. I bet he didn't tell you much about himself- did he? Those are the questions you need to ask. If he gives you another chance, don't be selfish- don't make it all about you. If you really love him, really want another chance to do things right, then you have to put in some effort.' Mia sighed at that. 'I will talk with him about what you have said- I have to explain about why he has a fee for a broken door somehow- but it's between the two of you where you go from there.'

I nodded. That was fair. It made sense. Kay had pursued me with all he had, and I hadn't returned anything to him. Even when he told me he loved me, it was still all about me. I never gave him anything. There was even more for me to process after that discussion- and I decided I had to give Kay everything I had if I ever wanted to have a chance with him again.


	4. 7 Decisions

Kay  
I could not be more thankful for Mia and everything she had done for me. Just being out of that apartment made me feel better. Spending time with little Dietrich sure helped as well. She took so much of her own time to be there for me, to basically do my moving for me, I had no idea how I'd ever repay her. She would just say, 'what is family for?' and move on. Once I was over all of the shit that had happened I would have to repay her big time for everything from covering for me when I left home until now.

She was gone for a lot longer than I would have expected and I started to worry. As I was about to go looking for her, she walked into the room, the final paperwork for my apartment in her hand and the baby in his sling on her front.

She handed me the papers without a word, sitting on the bed next to me. I looked at the paper and paused for a moment. It stated that I would not be getting my security deposit back due to severe damage to my door. 'Did you break into my apartment?'

She looked back at me with her usual quiet calm. 'I didn't do it. She sighed. 'Sometime between the movers getting to the apartment, me coming back here to get Dietrich, and getting back to the apartment, someone broke in.'

I felt like there was more to the story that she wasn't telling me, but I had neither the energy nor motivation to ask- especially seeing that both Mia and Dietrich were unharmed. I didn't want to deal with filing a report, all of the questions that would come with that, and the people I used to work with. No, if the movers wanted to, they could. I was staying out of it. It was highly unlikely that anyone would have gotten anything valuable. Anything of value that hadn't been left with Mia when I heft had already been taken by the movers to be shipped back to Ulm.

More than ready to leave all of the drama and pain behind me, I looked to Mia. 'I was foolish to even come here. It was a risky move, and I'm sorry I put you in the position I did. Especially with Dietrich coming and…'

Mia cut me off. 'No. You took a chance on something that meant the world to you. Everyone deserves that chance. I was only glad that I could help you take that leap. And now I'm here, helping you get back up. Take as much time as you need to get yourself together. We are set up well enough that you have quite a while before you have to worry about finalizing your transfer.'

She was right. Maybe it would take time, a lot of time, and the comfort of the two people next to me would make the world a little brighter each day.

Marc  
Frank approached me a few days later, asking if I was ready to go back to work. After the conversation with the strangest woman I had ever met, I felt more myself again, and definitely more certain of what I wanted. The shift was an easy one, nothing crazy or out of the ordinary. There was a distance between the other guys and me, a fog hanging around me that just wouldn't lift. I moved slowly, taking my time to change back into my normal clothes. Limpinsky must have been held back because he finally came in as I was getting ready to put my shoes on. I could hear him muttering about Kay, about him "making a run for it".

I wanted to protest, to say it wasn't true. It was all my fault, but I couldn't. That same fear paralyzed me. He continued on with speculating why Kay was here and what else he may have been hiding. I wanted to punch him then for that, on top of wanting to beat him for how he beat Kay. No remorse. Instead, I looked at him and told him to shut it.  
He made his way toward me, still in uniform, and pulling out his nightstick. As he began to make lewd gestures with it, asking if I wanted a suck, I had had enough.  
'You'd like that' I said to him with a smirk. The lights seemed to click on for him then and he got a disgusted look on his face as he asked if something was going on between us.

'That's disgusting!'

He grew more and more belligerent and insulting before I finally rose to my feet, following the suggestion of my not so rational brain, doing something he would least expect- I kissed him full on the mouth. That did not make him happy. Rather, it incited his anger further and he punched me. I wanted to laugh. Nothing he could do would hurt me more than I was already hurting on the inside. I glanced around, the locker rooms were empty aside from the two of us, no sign of Frank or the other officers.

I continued to egg him on and he began getting more violent, to the point of using his polezei issued nightstick to hit me. While I was on the ground, I couldn't help but wonder if this was how Kay felt when Limpinsky beat him. Did he use his nightstick then, too? I felt that the beating was something I deserved. For all of the pain I had caused those around me, I deserved to feel at least this.

The noise must have reached Frank as he came running in, pulling Limpinsky away from me, shouting 'You've had it now' at him and pushing him away. Frank came over to me then, checking if I was alright. I pushed him away from me, grabbed my bag and walked to my car, not once looking back. There was no need to. I knew what would happen. Frank would get Limpinsky suspended for assaulting a fellow officer, with polezei equipment no less, and Limpinsky would either be transferred or I would. There was no way they would keep us together after that. Hate crimes weren't categorized here as they were in other nations, and were mainly ignored. If I did report him for more than what Frank would write him up for, and he was transferred, it would endanger Kay as I didn't know where Kay had gone and Limpinsky could very easily end up in the same area. For all I knew, I could put Kay in danger again. No, I had to leave.

I climbed into my car and drove toward home. Or, what used to be home. It all hit me at once. I couldn't go back, I couldn't get anything back. It was a brave new world and I was as lost and afraid as a child who didn't know where their parent had gone in a crowd. Alone, lost, and afraid- and it was entirely my fault.

Bettina  
Something had happened to Marc at work, but Marc being himself didn't want to talk. I had felt something changed when he came in, and the new bruising on his face only confirming my suspicions. Despite the injuries, he seemed more at peace with himself than I had ever seen him. More decided with things as well, certainly more confident than he had been in a while.

After putting Benno down for a nap, I went out back to sit, giving Marc the chance to come to me when he was ready- a lesson I had learned through all of this. I felt much more comfortable and peaceful as well, more ready to take on whatever the future would throw our way.

After a time, he came and sat, admitting that things couldn't keep going as they were. That he couldn't keep going. I agreed. Something was different between us then. I felt it and so did he. We no longer depended on each other as we had, but we knew that we could be unified for Benno, even if in a different way than we had originally planned.  
I saw the pain in his face, how crushed he was when he and… Kay split. He was upset when I left, yes, but he was in utter anguish when Kay was gone. I looked at the man next to me, the father of our son, a strong man- a very different man from the one I had loved with my whole heart- and said 'Go get him'.

Notes:

I apologize for the long wait- my family was thrown a pretty big curveball (multiple, actually) and we have had to make a lot of changes. The world kind of froze for the last couple of weeks, but we are all slowly getting back to 'normal'. Thank you all!


	5. Truth

Mia  
I just couldn't tell Kay about Marc, not yet. He could get mad at me all he wanted when I did tell him, but I couldn't do it right away. He had come a long way, but still had a lot of healing to do. Maybe knowing Marc was there looking for him would help, but I didn't want to risk it until he was solidly in a better frame of mind. The worst decisions are always made when you are either extremely tired or emotionally frayed, and Kay was both.

Over the next few days things became automatic. Get up, get breakfast ready, integrate Kay's things back into the house, make sure Kay was up and not letting himself fall deeper into his mind. Do lunch, run errands and play with Dietrich, do dinner, watch a movie, go to bed. Repeating day after day. That was something Kay really needed to begin to feel normal again. I encouraged him to talk with some of our old friends, get out some, and he did once or twice, never for long.

A few weeks after returning, Kay got a phone call from his new station asking when he would be coming back from leave to get settled in. What I was not expecting was getting a phone call myself a few weeks after returning home.

'You did what? So what did your supervisor say? …. Alright, let me know when you have more information.' I didn't want to say too much with Kay sitting in the room with Dietrich and I as we folded laundry.

I hadn't talked to Kay yet, but was planning on doing so in the next couple of days. He had calmed visibly, settled into his new reality and was- in my expert opinion- in as good of a state of mind as he could be at that point. As I hung up, he gave me a side glance. All of the people who would call me for something so seemingly serious were people that he knew. We knew all of the same people our whole lives until he left for Stuttgart.

Taking a deep breath, I dived in. 'Kay, how are you feeling, really? Not some bull answer that everyone gives, but really.'

He grinned. 'I'm doing fine, in much better spirits. You know me well enough to call me on it if I wasn't. How long have we been together now?'

'All but the first few years of your life,' I nudged him with my shoulder. As I prepared to continue, I looked down at my little boy, who would hopefully have a better life than either of us had. 'I know you hold tight to things because you've lost so much. And when those things are taken from you, you don't handle it well.' He opened his mouth to contradict me, but I gave him "the look" and he stopped, shaking his head. 'I just received a call that I think will have a serious impact on you- whether positive or negative I will leave up to you.'

Kay sat back on the couch, folding his arms across his chest. Immediately, I knew he was getting into protection mode- guarding himself from what I might say. 'The officer that hurt you- that you transferred to get away from.' Thinking back, I realized that there were two officers that he could think I was talking about. 'Correction- the one that beat you up. He's gotten his own handed to him. He is suspended for the time being and will be under review for assaulting multiple coworkers.'

'Multiple?' Kay sat up, confused and intrigued.

'You, obviously, and… Marc.' He looked to the ground, clasping his hands. I could only imagine what was going through his head at that point, and I knew he wouldn't tell me, not right then. 'Apparently, he and Marc were in the locker rooms alone after shift and he was talking badly about you. Marc stood up to him, and Limpinsky started to beat him… with his night stick.' Kay's head fell into his hands and his shoulders shook. 'This happened a couple of weeks ago, Marc is fine now. He has taken a leave before transferring. What happens to Limpinsky is in the air- apparently your supervisor walked in and threw Limpinsky out.'

'What… Where…' Kay could only get a few words out, and none of them were audible through his hands.

'That is what I really needed to talk to you about, because your response will have a big impact on the answer to those questions.' I placed my hand on his shoulder gently as he breathed deeply and sat straight up.

'Does this have anything to do with my door?'

I laughed loudly, startling Dietrich from his sleep. He blinked twice, yawned, and fell back asleep. A second of pause, Kay and I made eye contact, then burst out laughing again- quietly. 'Of course you would know there was more to the story than that. Alright, here goes.'

Kay  
I couldn't believe it. Marc had come looking for me? I didn't know why, of course- and neither did Mia. What I loved about Mia was that she was straight forward with the facts. As she spoke I could tell she was in work mode, speaking quietly, calmly, softly, and empathetically. She would give her opinion at the end, but leave me to make my own decision. It was something that made her one of the best investigative psychologists in the region.

It had never occurred to me that he might come looking for me. He had gone so far as to break into my apartment. Why had he done it? What did it all mean? I wasn't upset with Mia for not telling me- she knew when to talk and when to hold back. Despite everything in my life, I had thought Marc was the one thing that would make it all worth it, the one thing that would stick forever- aside from Mia of course.

Mia had stuck by my side through everything. No matter how stupid I got or how much life threw at us, Mia was always there. And when she needed me the most, I decided to run off. We both entered the social services system at a young age- she was 8 and I was 5. We were always orbiting each other, sometimes in the same home and sometimes on the streets together. We started hanging close together, getting each others' backs and watching for the best opportunities or hiding from the bad ones.

By the time I was 12 I had already gotten into quite a few bad scrapes and involved with some bad people. Mia was there, always bringing me back from the edge. She was a genius- graduated high school at 16 and finished her psychology degree at 19. I was 16 then and coming out of the worst place I had ever been in. There was Mia, willing to house me for the next two years until I could be free of the system and (hopefully) change the trajectory for my life. Mia was actually the one who directed me toward the polezei. Joining the Bereitschaftspolizei was one of the best decisions I ever made for multiple reasons.

The ball had fallen in my court- Was I angry with Marc for breaking into my apartment and for breaking my heart in the first place, or was I willing to listen and give him another chance? Was there some road in between? The idea that my response would ultimately decide where Marc ended up was one that weighed heavily on my shoulders. I couldn't wait to get started with my new squad.


	6. Life as We Know It

Kay  
My first day with my new squad went well. They were much more open and accepting than my previous team- which seemed odd given that Ulm was quite a bit smaller than Stuttgart. Already I was invited over to a house warming party for a coworker and her girlfriend. It amazed me how open all of the people were; it was refreshing really. I felt that I could really open up to them and feel safe for the first time in my life anywhere outside of my home with Mia… and my time with Marc.

I chased him so hard at the beginning; it was only fair that it was his turn to chase me, right? I had put so much into us that it was his turn to put in the effort- If he really felt so strongly, if he hadn't given up and moved on with someone else as he and Bettina were officially separated. Marc was my exception, I had never chased after anyone like him. I had never chased after anyone so hard period. It amazed me how consumed I could be by another person.

The choice had fallen into my hands and Mia had made a good point- I had no obligation to Marc. What we had was over and done. She also had the point that talking to him could bring me closure over the situation and help me to feel more comfortable around him if he was transferred to the area.

Marc  
Benno had grown so much in just a few months. I remembered the day we brought him home, how tiny he was and trying to give him a bath in the sink, the small diapers he would wear and the outfits Bettina would put him in. So much had changed in that time. Bettina and I had officially separated- I had left her the house and moved to an apartment between the house and the station for the time being- depending on where my transfer put me. That would also depend on if I talked to Kay and what his reaction to it all would be. There were so many uncertainties, but we were working through them.

Every other day I would go over to the house to see Benno, stay for dinner and putting him down to bed, talk things over with Bettina about what she needed from me, how I could help with Benno, and what we would do if I got transferred more than a short distance. Our conversations went smoothly for the most part if it was a bit tense in the beginning. We both wanted what was best for our little boy, though, so we were willing to do whatever it took. Sometimes, Frank and Claudia would go to the house for dinner as well and it would almost seem like old times. My parents still refused to talk to me, but as long as they continued to support Bettina and Benno I wasn't going to complain.

One of those nights that Frank and Claudia came over, we sat out back talking and drinking as usual while Benno slept soundly in his room.

'So, Marc' Frank began. 'How has desk work been?' he leaned back in his chair before taking a big drink from his bottle.

I sighed- desk work was not my favorite thing in the world, but it was keeping me busy and limiting interaction between certain people who had a tendency to cause problems and me until my transfer was completed. 'It's as terrible as you're thinking' I mimicked his previous actions. 'But I'd rather be stuck behind a desk than getting attached again.' That got a wince from Frank and a frown from the women of the group.

Frank had told me over and over that, he was sorry that he wasn't a few minutes sooner getting into the locker room to stop it from happening. I kept reassuring him that I was actually fine with what happened; it gave me a chance to hand out vengeance and repay pain where it was due. Limpinsky had since returned to the squad, but on restricted duty and mandatory anger management sessions (though no one was supposed to know about that).

Frank recovered from my jab quickly and continued 'We're having that information training from that lady soon.'

I had to sigh at his vague comment. If I didn't know what he was talking about, I would have been lost, and from Bettina and Claudia's faces, they had no idea what he was talking about. 'There is a group of specially trained officers coming to talk to us about a new program they are piloting that could be useful for some branches if not ours directly. They are going to give an overview of what they do and some tips on working with tricky situations.'

'Thank you, Marc' Claudia laughed and tapped her bottle to mine across the table.

'Enough work talk,' Bettina cut us off, not wanting to hear the same old stuff again. 'Claudia- when do you find out if you're having a boy or girl?'

I nearly spat out my drink at that- add being a terrible friend to the list of things that have come to describe me lately, right next to a cheater, liar, dumbass, and all-around a terrible human. How could I forget that one of my closest friends was going to have a baby, especially when they had been trying for so long?

Claudia ignored me and just smiled. 'We still have a couple of weeks before we get to find out, but we're getting very excited. I'm hoping it's a girl, but Frank wants it to be a boy so he can teach him all he knows.' Claudia leaned closer to Bettina, held her hand up by her mouth and fake whispered 'whatever that means.'

That had the three of us laughing hard while Frank simply looked bemused and a bit insulted. 'I'm very good at what I do, thank you,' he said, defending himself.  
'What is that? Watching tv and drinking with friends?" Claudia teased.

Frank chose not to comment, only muttering to himself and taking another drink from his bottle.

All in all, it was a fun night. It was refreshing to feel normal again, even if it was only for a short amount of time.

Mia  
'You have such a cute family! How long have you been together?' A woman who I didn't remember the name of asked me. We had gotten to the housewarming about 15 minutes before and were in that awkward time of small talk between everyone's arrivals and time to eat. Being a psychologist, considering the field I was in, I should have been good at small talk, but it was still an uncomfortable time for me, especially fielding questions like that.

Kay and I had gotten questions like that most of our lives since we were teenagers, despite my being a few years older, so we were used to similar questions. Things had gotten more awkward however with the arrival of Dietrich and not wanting to go into detail about the whole situation. 'Kay's like a brother to me,' I said quickly, not wanting to prolong the moment. 'Thank you; I love my little family very much.'

The woman blushed and began to apologize when the call came to grab food and find a seat. I glanced over at Kay to see where he stood, talking to one of the hostesses while holding a chattering Dietrich. It was hard to believe how big my boy had gotten. He had begun crawling the month before and so we had undergone several measures around the house to ensure his safety- primarily for when one of us was not within the immediate vicinity. He hadn't gotten to saying his ever-important first word, but we could tell it would be coming soon with how much babbling he did.

Kay turned to me and nodded- our signal for me to go first and get my plate (with a few nibble-able items for Dietrich to munch). As I moved to the kitchen, I began to see some faces that I recognized from around the station. I wasn't around many of the squads much or for very long depending on the circumstance, so it was nice to have more of a chance to interact with other officers outside of my own special group. I gave a head bob and a smile to a man who waved in greeting that I recognized as working in an office somewhere near mine but in a different department.

I got in line for food behind the woman who asked about Kay and I and decided to take pity on her, she hadn't known so I wasn't going to hold her presumptions against her. 'I'm sorry, but I cannot remember your name, there have been so many introductions since we came in.'

She smiled at me gently and nodded. 'I understand completely. Emma and Ada tend to go all out with these sorts of things, and both of them are so outgoing that they are constantly meeting new people. I'm Willa, and I'm afraid I've forgotten your name as well.'

'It's nice to meet you again, Willa. I'm Mia, and I came with Kay- he's new to Emma's team- and my little boy's name is Dietrich. How long have you known Emma and Ada?' I was glad Willa had been so understanding, and that she was in the same predicament I was seemed rather funny. She seemed kind and rather outgoing herself.

Willa gestured with her hands widely and laughed. 'I've known Ada since we were in diapers and Emma since high school. They are high school sweethearts, would you believe. It's sometimes hard to believe they have been together for so long.' By this point, we had reached the food and I looked for some items that Dietrich might enjoy. He was not a picky eater by any means and I was relieved by that fact. Dealing with one picky person in Kay was hard enough. Finally deciding on a couple of sausages and sides, as well as some banana and blueberries for Dietrich, I turn to Willa. 'I have to go rescue Kay from baby duty and let him come get some food if you care to join me.'

'I'd love to!' Willa replied joyfully. 'Most of the people here are Emma's work friends so it's nice to have someone to talk with. Where should we sit? You know what, go get Dietrich and meet me over there. Here, hand me your plate and I'll put it down at the table for you.' She gestured toward a table set up near the side of the house that had a few seats open yet. I gave her my plate, thanked her, and moved toward Kay.

He had gone farther back into the yard to talk to a guy that I recognized as one of the sergeants from the station named Lukas. I had worked with him on several occasions and had a solid respect for the man. I hoped that Kay could find a trusted superior in him that he didn't have previously.

Kay saw me coming and let Lukas know by nodding in my direction and saying 'here she comes now. Mia, you know Lukas from the station, right?'

'I do,' I responded, smiling and holding my and out to him. 'How are you doing? How's your wife? She's feeling better I hope.'

Lukas almost looked shocked that I remembered, but recovered quickly and shook my hand firmly. 'I'm well, thank you. Jocelyn is doing well also. Her treatments ended last week. Thank you for asking. I'm honestly surprised you remembered- we only talked about it briefly and that was… last month some time I believe.'

Smiling, I took Dietrich from Kay and turned back to Lukas, settling the tired boy on my hip. 'When it's important I make a note to remember it, especially with things like that. Have you gotten your food?'

'I was just heading that way when I got started talking to Kay. I guess I will go do that now.' We began walking back toward the house together and talking about little things while Dietrich chewed on a teething toy Kay must have pulled from the diaper bag that we had left in the living room. 'You're more than welcome to join us if you'd like, it seems Willa has saved a whole section of the table for us.' Lukas laughed at that, agreed, and went inside.

One thing I have to say for get-togethers like the one we were at, there was never a shortage of laughter, food, alcohol, good conversation, and laughter/easy conversation made easier by the alcohol.

Notes:

Happy Easter, everyone! I hope everyone's quarantine time has been well spent and everyone's staying safe.


	7. Training

Kay  
Talking with my new coworkers in a less formal setting felt nice. I didn't get to do much of that in Stuttgart outside of a couple of times I took Brit out and when everyone would go for drinks- which wasn't often. As much as I thought Frank was a good person, I could already tell I would enjoy working with Lukas. He was a good leader and a great person to be around. Mia also respected him and thought well of the man, so he immediately earned points with me.

As with most grill-outs, there was an array of food. I filled my plate and grabbed a bottle of beer for me along with a water for Mia. I looked to Lukas and asked if he was joining us before moving back to the table we were going to eat at. When I walked out the back door, I saw a sight that made my smile grow even wider. Mia sat with Dietrich on her lap, happily chewing away on his food she brought him. Her new friend who I had yet to learn the name of was talking away about anything and everything. That was good for Mia; she would rather listen than talk, an observer rather than a participant.

I sat across from the women and took a bite of food before joining in the conversation, Lukas right behind me. 'I don't believe we've met. I'm Kay, Mia's brother.'

'Hello, Kay! I'm Willa, nice to meet you!' Well, she certainly had a lot of energy. 'I was just telling Mia some stories about Emma and Ada. I've known them for a long time now. Mia said you work on Emma's squad at the station now? That's great!' It seemed like Willa didn't need to breathe with how quickly she spoke.

'Yes, I just transferred in from Stuttgart.' I looked at Mia and she just gave me an amused grin, looking down at Dietrich and handing him some more fruit. 'This is Lukas; he's a sergeant at the station.'

Lukas held his hand out to Willa as he swallowed his mouthful of food. 'It's nice to meet you. As Kay said, I work at the station as well. My wife is a primary school teacher. What do you do?'

Willa perked up even more if that's possible. 'I'm a primary school teacher as well! I work with the kinders at Friedrichsau-Grundschule.' That explained the perkiness and ability to speak quickly. 'I've only been teaching a few years but love it so much. and have learned a lot. It's amazing what children can teach us, we can learn as much from them as they learn from us. Even ones as small as little Dietrich here.'

Her sudden perception startled me. Maybe there was more to her than was readily visible. Never judge a person on your first impression. A lesson I had to learn over and over.

Marc  
All of us still in training from across the city and surrounding stations filed into the large lecture hall. It was mandatory for trainees to be there and optional for some of the other officers. It was the day of our special training, and I had to say I hadn't slept well the night before. Staying awake was difficult, even in the uncomfortable seats in the lecture hall. Something had kept me awake the night before, just telling me the training day was going to be a change. It could also have had something to do with the cryptic message I had gotten from Mia the night before telling me to 'expect a meeting before long'. What was that supposed to mean?

I yawned widely as a few other men I recognized from training filed into the row in front of me. There hadn't been questions during our last training session, but there had been plenty of looks and confusion from the others as to where Engel had gone. None of them knew why one of their most promising recruits had suddenly disappeared. The instructors didn't bother to address it. It was like he was never in the class to begin with, and somehow that bothered me.

Suddenly, my shoulder was shaken and my head shot up. When had I nodded off? I looked to see Frank standing beside me, gesturing to the seat there as if asking to sit. I nodded, rubbing a hand down my face as if that would wake me up. Frank didn't look to be in much better shape than I was. The hall had filled more and I could tell that it was almost time for the presentation to start.

'What's wrong with you? You look terrible,' I asked Frank, hoping to avoid the same question.  
He just shook his head and sighed. 'Claudia is going crazy with this pregnancy, man. How did you do it with Bettina? She's happy one second and shouting the next, and I have no idea if it's something I did or something I said, or what it was really.'

I had to laugh softly at that. 'Bettina wasn't that bad, but I was gone at training a lot of the time.'

That seemed to spark something in Frank's mind as he sat a little straighter and leaned closer to me. 'About your transfer…. Have you made a decision? The Staff Sergeant is getting on me about it. He wants the paperwork filed by next week.'

I had no clue what to tell him. I hadn't heard anything apart from Mia's text that left more questions than answers. It wasn't like I could put in for a general transfer, either. They could move me to the other side of the country and what would Bettina and I do about Benno then? We had already started discussing plans for when I moved, but that was within an hour or two from them- not the other side of Germany. 'Frank, I-,' I was cut off by someone walking to the front of the room and calling for attention. Frank gave me a "we'll talk about this later" look and turned to the front. Everyone else already had their notebooks open and were ready for whatever this special training had to offer.

'We are very excited to have these special guests with us,' the speaker began. 'They are part of a special team of officers who are piloting a program to deal with rather delicate situations or difficult interrogations. They are specially trained in psychological techniques to help with questioning and talking people down from dangerous situations or hysteria. They will explain more throughout the training. So, without further ado, let me introduce the Investigative Psychologist team.'

There were five people who went to the front of the room from the first row of seats. I hadn't even noticed them sitting there. They were all in uniforms just like the rest of the officers, but with a special patch on the sleeve. That wasn't what surprised me. What surprised me was that Mia was one of the officers standing in the front of the room.

Mia  
It was an interesting experience to be teaching our skills to others. Hopefully, the training meant more pilot programs coming out. Our team was fantastic and we worked together like clockwork. We had been planning and rehearsing our training for several weeks between cases and other work, so I was glad when the day finally came to share our knowledge. We had several of the most common scenarios that we would perform for the attendees, as well as movement strategies we typically used, talking points, and some de-escalation strategies. We broke for lunch around noon, the afternoon session is reserved for question and answer time and some breakout sessions for more intense instruction in some skills we presented. First- time to talk to Marc.

I had seen him sitting in a seat near the middle of the room looking like he could fall asleep any second. The officer who sat next to him I didn't recognize but was clearly close to him. While we were in full uniform, the people attending were in their regular training gear so it was harder to tell rank and station assignment.

'Borgman,' I called to him as he reached the main floor. It must have startled him to hear his name called so suddenly because he almost jumped out of his boots. The man who had been sitting next to him had still been near Marc and stopped as well as Marc turned in my direction. I began walking over to them and received an odd look from the unknown man. 'Hello, Marc,' I said to him before turning to his friend and extending a hand. 'Hi, I'm PM Mia Kühn.'

'Frank Richter, PHM on Marc's team,' the man grabbed my hand and shook firmly. He was stressed and appeared just as tired as Marc was, weary and in need of a lot of rest. 'How do you know Marc?' Ah, the crucial question. He knew where I was from, and from his rank, I would guess he would know where Kay transferred to. Even half-asleep it wouldn't be a stretch to make the connection. That much was clear at the almost protective stance he took near his friend.

I wasn't entirely sure how Marc wanted me to answer that question- there were too many factors to account for, though I could tell that Frank at least knew most of the story. 'I'm… a new friend. I ran into him when I came to Stuttgart to meet with a friend a few months back.' Marc's shoulders visibly relaxed from their tense position as he stared at the floor. Frank gave a cautious look between the two of us before nodding to himself.

We only had an hour to eat and we were wasting precious time standing there in the nearly empty room. So I decided to ask, 'Do the two of you have lunch plans?'

Marc finally looked up and met my eyes before saying, 'we hadn't decided on anything.' He glanced at Frank for confirmation before adding, 'You can join us if you want. I know you aren't familiar with the area.'

I smiled gently at him. 'That would be wonderful. Let me grab my purse and we can head out.'

As we walked to a café down the street, I looked around. The sun was shining, the streets busy with cars going here and there, people walking up and down the sidewalk. Some ignored us while others stood and stared. It often made people uncomfortable to see officers in uniform, especially in groups even if that group is only three with two being in casual uniform. It didn't help that the two accompanying me looked dour and more threatening than they meant to with how tired and tense they were. Marc's shoulders had tensed back up and he was rather jumpy as if he was waiting for something to jump out at him. Frank wasn't much better, glaring at people who came to close. When we finally arrived I had to sigh in relief. Hopefully getting seated and having some food they would relax just a bit.

Once we had our food and were seated at a corner table by the front windows I said, 'You both look ready to fall asleep on your feet.'

Frank took a drink of his water before responding. 'My wife is expecting and has gotten to the stage of being extra emotional, not to mention the random cravings she has- and many of them seem to hit in the middle of the night. Marc here is just stressed.' He was a good friend, knowing when to hold his tongue. Frank had earned more respect from me.

I rolled my eyes and laughed at Frank's description of his wife, however. 'I know all about the late-night cravings and mood swings. I have a little boy just a bit older than Marc's son, so I've gone through that myself recently. It's a good thing you're there for her, especially during this time. I didn't have that support close by. Make sure she knows you still love her and is more than just the baby carrier, make sure she feels valued and special regardless of the world-changing around you.'

That seemed to surprise him as he gave me a discerning look. 'You sure are perceptive. I shouldn't be surprised after what we learned this morning- you have some pretty impressive skills. Not everyone can do what you do. Thank you. I have been more grudging of it all than I should have been. I can't imagine what Claudia is feeling right now. Thankfully we have tomorrow off so I will have to plan something special for her.'

Marc chose then to rejoin the conversation, 'I'm sorry.' Frank looked at him like it was the most random thing to say, but I knew what Marc was apologizing for. He felt it was his fault I was alone during that time because Kay was chasing after him- but Marc didn't know everything.

'Don't be. I told him to do what he felt like he needed to do, and he knew I would let him know if it got too hard.' Frank now looked thoroughly lost and trying to keep up. 'My brother had some other things going on at the time, so he wasn't fully around,' I explained to Frank without getting too into details. He still appeared unsure but nodded, continuing to eat his food.

It was time for me to let Marc know what was going on. 'He's actually in town with me, watching Dietrich. He had today and tomorrow off and as I have to be here tomorrow morning for a debriefing on the training we decided to make an outing of it.' While I spoke I watched Marc's face to see his reaction. He seemed to freeze for a minute, unsure of what to do, how to react. I managed to catch his eye and ask, 'Do either of you have dinner recommendations for us, or a coffee shop for tomorrow? A family-friendly place is preferable with having Dietrich here.'

Both men listed off a couple of places that we should try, agreeing on a few being better than others. 'We'll have to try one of those, then. Thanks. As far as coffee goes, we should try that Café Nast around 9- it's not too far from the station so I can go for my meeting and my brother can hang out around there.' I hoped beyond hope that Marc got my message. By the eye contact and subtle nod that he gave me I guessed that he had.

Kay hadn't wanted to call- there was too much floating around between them. He wasn't confident he could speak his mind in that way and had a similar problem with simply texting him. It felt too impersonal and he needed more than that. So, Kay had known all of the probationary officers would be required to attend the training, had come along (he really did have the days off without asking), and had asked that I set up a time for them to meet. He was lucky I loved him so much or he'd owe me months of babysitting time for all of the help I was giving him.

Notes:

As far as I can find with my rudimentary research skills, these are the ranks I would put Mia and Frank at. If you know/find any different, please let me know and I will change it in future revisions!

PM= Polizeimeister- typically the same rank as a constable/standard police.  
PHM= Polizeihauptmeister- typically the same rank as a police sergeant.


	8. Precipice

Marc  
After a strange lunch, we headed back to the lecture hall where we would divide up for smaller sessions with each of the presenters in 45-minute rotations before gathering again at the end of the day for a final question time.

It was exhausting in a way I wasn't used to. Being on the riot police meant more physical work than mental strain. The new skills presented to us were entirely about assessing the situation, the people, making the best choices on where to move, what to say, how to approach, what to avoid, not doing the wrong thing, and anticipating the other person. I could see where they would have to have so much training to do that sort of job- it certainly would take a special person to do that all day every day.

That also explained a lot about Mia herself. From the moment I met her, she seemed non-threatening but not weak or gullible, either. She was understanding and encouraging without telling me what to do or forcing her opinion on me. She was disarming in a way that many people weren't able to be and she did it without you even realizing what was happening. Every station could benefit from 10 people like her among the officers- Ulm was certainly lucky to have a team like that.

When we were finally dismissed I made my way to the front of the room to say goodbye to Mia. Depending on how the next morning went I would either see a lot of her in the future or none at all and I wanted to thank her for everything she had done. Mia seemed to be rather popular with the trainees because there was a line of people waiting to talk to her. In true Mia fashion, she spoke quickly and quietly with each person making the line move swiftly but making each person feel heard. I waited in the back of the line, not wanting others to hear our conversation.

'Thank you, for everything,' I said to her softly. 'I can't begin to tell you how much your help has meant. I wanted to let you know before tomorrow.'

She smiled and, despite my usual standoff, "don't touch" rule, hugged me without a word. Strangely, I felt like a small child being comforted during a thunderstorm and knowing everything is going to be ok because their mother is there holding them together and sheltering them. How did she do that?

As Mia stepped back, she placed a hand on the side of my face and said, 'No matter what happens tomorrow, know that I will be there for you with anything you need. I am in a unique spot to have a large web of connections. Even if you just need someone to talk to- I know talking isn't a big thing with you, but the point stands.' Glancing at something behind me in the direction of the door, she patted my shoulder gently and bid me goodbye, turning to wave as she approached the door.

During our conversation, the room had emptied, and Mia heading out left me standing alone in the large room.

Kay  
Being back in Stuttgart was an odd thing. It gave me anxiety on one hand, but excitement on the other. Being the size it was I wasn't necessarily afraid of running into anyone I knew by chance, but wanted to at the same time. Having Dietrich with me the whole time helped calm my nerves. He was to the point of almost talking, crawling around for short distances, and beginning to get into everything. As troublesome as that was, he was more fun to interact with as he became more interactive and mobile.

We spent the day just wandering, stopping into a few shops that I missed going to, and some time at the hotel for Dietrich's nap. Before I knew it, it was time to go meet Mia for dinner. As much as I loved her and appreciated her, there was no knowing what she got herself into at the training. I knew that Marc was included among the trainees required to go, and at least one or two others from the team would have gone as well.

There was a flood of people leaving the building as I approached with Dietrich, signalling the end of the training. Knowing Mia, she would be a while yet because everyone would want to ask her questions- not the others on her team. We took up watch in the hallway outside the room- there were some nice benches and space nearby so I could watch the door and be visible from inside.

The flow of people decreased drastically and I noticed some of Mia's team leaving the room chattering between them. They stopped by us and bent to Dietrich with variations of 'hey, buddy! Mom will be out soon. You've gotten so big!' and Dietrich was eating it up. He loved the attention- it was clear he would be a people person like his mom. They stood back up straight and greeted me before heading to the main doors to go for their own dinner. Checking my watch, I noticed that half an hour had passed since they let out and Dietrich had started falling asleep from standing still so long, and I wanted to join him. Thankfully, as a lone officer left the room I saw only one person left standing with Mia. She glanced over their shoulder and made eye contact with me before the door closed again.

Not 30 seconds later she came out of the lecture hall and asked, 'ready for dinner?' She took the stroller from me as we made our way out of the building, no sign of the last person she had been talking to coming out of the room.

Walking down the street toward a diner I enjoyed during my time in Stuttgart, Mia was tense. 'What's up?'

She sighed, which right away told me it was something important. 'Tomorrow morning.' If she and I weren't so close I would have no idea what she was talking about. Being as we spent the vast majority of our time together and the content of our heavier conversations lately- as well as the primary reason for me accompanying her on her trip- I gathered that was when I would be meeting with Marc. Whew. That was going to be a difficult conversation- one I was afraid would be painfully one-sided as they often had been in the past.

'What time?' I had to know. It was what I had been picturing, envisioning, waiting with bated breath for, for weeks. Now that it was scheduled, the meeting looming, I panicked over what I would say. I wanted to be honest, brutal, and to walk away with my piece said, but I knew I wouldn't be able to do that to him.

'9, when I go to my debriefing. I got it cleared to take Dietrich with me if you don't want him staying with you.' Mia motioned to a doorway we were next to, indicating that we had arrived at the diner. I hadn't even noticed we had already gone so far.

We went in, ordered our food and sat down. Mia collapsed the stroller and held Dietrich while I got the high chair, thankful for the distraction. As she buckled him in, she asked, 'What do you think you'll say?' That was a loaded question. 'I know you want him to know how much hurt you went through, how much you did for him, but you don't want to hurt him either. Know this- no matter how much you plan now, whatever speech you prepare for tomorrow morning, it will flee your mind and emotions will try to take over. Do what is best for you, say what needs to be said, and most importantly don't forget to listen as well.'

'That's easier said than done when the other person hardly uses words.' As much as I felt like a petulant child with that statement, it was true. When things were good, Marc being a physical/actions-based being was fun; a lot of fun. But when things turned bad and I couldn't get three words out of him, that's when it got painful.

Mia glanced down at her hands before speaking. 'I have spent enough time with him now to know his habits and his cues. I believe that he will have more to share tomorrow than you expect. Watch his actions as well- listen to those as much as his words and you will find the closure you both need.'

Tomorrow. I would either walk away happier than I had been in months or more broken than I had ever been. Tomorrow was a turning point. People talk about your life as if you are standing on the edge of a knife- tomorrow could see the safe bridging of that edge or a cut so deep I would never come out of it. Tomorrow.

Notes:

Not as long as I would like, but I didn't want to go too far. I wanted to save the meeting for its own chapter. This has diverged so much from what I had originally planned, but I feel like it is also much more detailed. The meeting was also the last bit that I had planned out- nothing beyond it so we'll see where the wind takes us from there.  
Happy Tuesday!


	9. Face to Face

Marc  
The moment I woke up that morning I was on edge. The day had finally arrived. No matter how many times I planned what I was going to say, I knew it would all fly out of my head the moment we met up. Time seemed to move at a snail's pace as I got ready that morning and I had been too anxious to sleep soundly so I looked a mess, and knew eating anything would be a bad decision. Before it was even 8 am I had gotten ready and was pacing anxiously around my house just waiting for an appropriate time to leave.

I had talked to Bettina the night before, filling her in on what I learned and confirming our plans. She had seemed pleased and calm- through this whole thing I had learned a new appreciation for the woman I had once been in a relationship with. Though I wasn't in love with her and realized I may never have been fully- I still loved her and she was still important to me. Her opinion and thoughts, her feelings were important to me. Too late were the revelations I had made in the last few months. She was supportive, rather having a content man help her raise Benno than one who could barely hold himself together.

Making it to the café was easy, the morning rush being over. I was still over ten minutes early but took that as an advantage because I could get a drink and find a place to sit where I could watch for Kay's arrival. They had a basic menu which I appreciated and an open area with a bar table lining the front windows- perfect to watch passing traffic. I scanned the room making sure that he hadn't arrived and was tucked away somewhere I hadn't noticed and took stock of the other patrons (a habit from all of the security training).

I chose a seat at a high table away from the door to limit noise though still facing the windows, and closer to a quiet corner so as to not be overheard or disturbed. The coffee in my hand was bracing and I clung to it like a lifeline each time a new person walked past the café. That person was his height but the wrong build, the next had short blond hair but was too stocky. Then there was a group of girls who should have probably been in school and not wandering the city. Looking to my watch I saw it was 9 exactly and still no Kay.  
What had I been expecting- him to be as nervous as I was? Kay ran on his own time, his own plan and answered to no one. The seconds ticked by painfully slowly, my coffee losing its steam gradually, and I had yet to take a sip. It approached 9:07 and I grew more anxious than I had thought possible. Had he changed his mind?

One of the servers came by to offer more coffee before seeing y still full cup. My attention diverted for that moment, of course, was the moment that Kay decided to appear. I just glimpsed him as he walked in the door looking around- presumably for me. The server stood at just the right position that he couldn't see me immediately and that gave me a moment to observe him.

He hadn't changed at all, still as intoxicating as he always had been. He seemed tired for sure, maybe a little thinner. I hated myself to think that it had been my fault he hadn't been eating properly. Through my inspection, I could see the exact moment he spotted me, and the look in his eyes. The look was not something I expected to see. I expected anger, disappointment, pain, disgust, hatred even. What I actually saw- and it could have been my wishful thinking- was a flash of joy. Yes, there was pain and a shadow, but he mostly looked- dare I say- happy- to see me.

Kay  
I was running late. Of all days to run late, it had to be the day that would decide an important part of my future. Dietrich had been up late, not feeling well and had kept both Mia and me up too far into the night. And to make matters worse, we both forgot to set an alarm. She was going to be running late for her meeting (though thankfully it didn't start until 9:30) and I was running late to meet with Marc.

The whole way I practically ran down the sidewalk from the hotel, hoping he was still there. I didn't even have time to be nervous, too focused on getting there before the chance was lost. I was at least 10 minutes late and Marc had never been the most patient of people. What was I thinking? He was the one who should apologize, not me. So what if I was late- it was up to him to make an effort. With that thought, I had reached the door to the café. Taking a steadying breath, I gripped the metal handle and pulled the door open.  
I looked around the room, wanting to at least greet him before going to get a drink. There was no immediate sight of him and my heart fell until one of the servers moved back toward the back of the shop and I saw Marc sitting at a tall table tucked in a corner near the windows. He had to have seen me coming. Despite myself, a small grin grew on my face. No matter how angry I wanted to be, it just wasn't there. Seeing him for the first time in months had me feeling all sorts of things I didn't want to think about. He looked about as worn as I knew I did but still as handsome.

Wanting to give us both a moment to collect our thoughts, I went to the counter to order my own coffee. I had just noticed that my hands had begun to shake and realized how nervous I felt. I was seeing the person I loved for the first time in months after things had ended so horribly. What was going to happen? What should I say? What would he say? My normal confidence eluded me and I felt like a teenager with my first crush all over again.

I took my cup with shaking hands and nodded to the server before slowly making my way back to the table Marc was at. It was a miracle I didn't spill my coffee with how badly my hands were shaking. The 'moment of truth' had arrived. We had each been dancing around this for so long that, now that it was happening, it didn't seem real.

Neither one of us was sure what to do, but I knew that going anywhere near Marc without the table between us would be a bad idea. No, it was better to just set my cup down and sit as far back across the table as I could. We sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity, just staring at each other, not quite believing that we were in the same space again after everything.

Marc  
From the time he sat I was scrambling, my brain felt like a tangled mess. What could I say? Mia's words from our first meeting came back to me. At one point I had been worth the effort to Kay, and he was worth the effort to me, I had to give him my all from that new chance. There he was, waiting for me even though I didn't deserve it- not anymore. This couldn't be about me anymore, it had to be about us.

'I… I'm sorry,' Arguably some of the hardest words to say (right there next to 'I love you' ) finally came out. They didn't even come close to all that I owed Kay. 'I'm sorry for everything.'

Hurt flashed across his eyes before I realized what I had said. 'Not everything. I would never trade our time together for anything. I'm sorry for being so blind to what you needed.' That had to be the most words I had said in one sentence when I wasn't raging angrily- to be honest, even then I don't think I'd said as much at once- and the shock showed clearly on his face.

I decided to keep going on the roll I had going before I could talk myself out of it. 'I tried to convince myself that I was doing what was best for you. It took me way too long to realize that I was just protecting myself, to protect what I thought I wanted. What I didn't realize until too late was that you were what I wanted- no matter what.' I took a deep breath, finally drinking from my (by then) cold coffee. Who knew I could make a speech like that? We seemed to have switched roles.

Kay's face was still annoyingly unreadable and it scared me. What if I couldn't do it? What if I had no chance? After another beat of silence, I added, 'I just had to see you, tell you how sorry I am. How much hurt I caused you and everyone around me with not being honest with myself. You asked me once if I had considered leaving it all behind and I answered no. That was a lie… not at the time, I believed it then, but I didn't realize how much I really did want things to be different. You meant… you mean so much to me, if there is any chance we can even be friends, I just want… I want to be as near to you as I can. I know that may not be possible. I can't imagine how much I hurt you, but if it's anything like I have been feeling it has to be bad. We don't have to do or be anything you don't want to, but just know that I will give anything to even be in your vicinity again. I… love you.'

Once again it was silent, but I was out of words. I couldn't think of a time in my life when I had spoken half as many words, though I meant each and every one of them. We both sipped at our coffees, glancing around the café as patrons moved in and out, thankfully none coming too close. It was like we were in a bubble, no one even glancing in our direction.

Finally, painfully, Kay spoke one word. 'No.'

Notes:

We are nearing the end. 1 or 2 more chapters are what I have had planned out, and I'm not sure how far past that I want to go. We'll see when we get there, shall we?


	10. Ohana

Kay  
'No.' The word escaped my mouth before I could stop it. Marc's face fell and I knew what he felt at that moment. 'That's not what I meant.' Thankfully he hadn't moved to leave, that had to mean something, right? He was willing to make a speech for me and stuck around when he didn't get the answer that he wanted. 'You said you want to be… friends… and I don't think that's possible. We were never meant to be just friends. I have things to apologize for, too. I should have been more honorable in my actions, I played a part in hurting everyone just as much as you did.'

He looked directly into my eyes then, disbelief plain on his face. 'While I don't think it's smart- or possible- for either of us to go back to what we had right now, It could still be a possibility down the road. You have to know, though, that the trust we had is gone. The feelings are still there, I won't lie, but I can't give myself over to you that wholly anymore, not now. Maybe after some time rebuilding things- the right way- we can see where it leads, but I- we- can't just jump back in without looking.'

Marc nodded, thankfully seeming to understand my point and take it in for once instead of pushing back like I would have expected him to do. He surprised me again when he said, 'I know. I- we- both have a lot of work to do before we can even think about anything serious between us again. I'm willing to put in as much work as I need, do anything to earn that trust back.'

That was not what I was expecting at all from him. Maybe Marc had changed, maybe the second time around it could work.

We made small talk for a few minutes, neither one of us wanting to leave or to continue with such heavy topics for any longer. He asked about my new team, about Mia and Dietrich. I asked about Benno and Bettina and he filled in the gaps of things Mia hadn't told me. It seemed that he and Bettina had a good plan in place. She was taking everything far better than I expected. He told me about Frank and Claudia having a baby- that surprised me, but I knew they'd do well.

It all seemed… comfortable. We still had the awkwardness of everything that had happened and trying to start again, but the crushing weight was gone. There was no pressure beyond what each of us was comfortable with. It was an odd feeling, being able to sit and relax, not being rushed or hidden in a dark corner or in a crowded bar where we knew no one would recognize us. We could be like normal… friends. The word left a bitter taste in my mouth. No, if Marc and I would be anything for the long term it wouldn't be friends. That wasn't possible.

Eventually, a server hesitantly approached the table, probably sensing the bubble that had seemed to form around us, and offered us refills. At the same time, my phone chimed and I realized it was already past 11. Mia had messaged me, telling me that she and Dietrich would be at the park nearby when we were ready to meet up. Marc also checked his phone, a huff of a laugh escaping his lips. 'What?'

'Bettina. I told her we were meeting up today and she said to bring you to lunch at noon if you decided to still talk to me after punching me.'

I laughed, 'Tell her that your face is undamaged and that I would love to join you. Mia will probably come with Dietrich if that's fine.'

He typed a response and put his phone back into his pocket. 'That will be fine, Bettina is taking a half-day today so Benno will be there, too. I'm sure they'd love to meet up. They can complain about us together.'

It was nice being able to talk easily with Marc once again, even more so than before. There was no fear anymore. We had both grown more than either of us thought we could, becoming more comfortable with ourselves and who we were, who we had become as a result of it all. It was freeing to love and be loved and to be able to be honest with that fact. Knowing that someone else cared for you and wanted to do what they could to protect you and love you with all of their heart.

I'm not saying that we didn't have a lot more growing to do. There would always be something new to learn, new challenges, and one of us would make a mistake somewhere along the way. But life is learning, forgiving, changing, and growing together with those around you. For a kid who lost everything at an early age, never having a defining identity, being told I was a trouble maker and wouldn't amount to anything, finding the family I had chosen for myself was a life changer. And hopefully, my little, broken family would continue to grow.

Notes:

So... This is the end (and beyond) what I had originally written. I want to include at least one more chapter of them all together, maybe even including Frank and Claudia, but beyond that I'm just not sure. Any ideas are welcome!  
And I know Ohana is a Hawaiian concept, but it seemed fitting for all our group has been through (mostly because of Marc...).


	11. It's Party Time

Bettina  
Claudia, Mia, and I are running around the back yard of my house trying to get everything ready. The babies are wandering around the yard, playing with anything they can find. Frank and Claudia's little one is sitting in her bassinet, sound asleep. Being only a few months old, she still sleeps a lot of the day away.

We have half an hour to get the rest of the tables and chairs set up, the decorations finalized, and get the food moving before everyone shows up. I sent the guys out to get some last-minute items so they should be back soon.

There are going to be more people here than ever before, and that is a happy thing. If you had asked me a few months ago whether I thought that we would all be where we are now, I would have said you were crazy. Love and forgiveness are powerful things.

'Bettina, where do you want these last balloons? I'm afraid of one of the boys trying to eat the strings or something if we leave them there,' Mia holds up a set of three balloons tied together from near the play area.

I had never really had a lot of female friends- even Claudia who is bringing some chairs out of the back door- became my friend because she's married to Frank and Frank is Marc's longtime friend. Having these two women as part of my life now is amazing.

'Do we have any extra weights for them? We can set them at the end of the food table.' I smile and set down the bowl I'm holding just as the doorbell rings. 'Please don't let that be the start of the guests arriving- there's still too much to do and the guys aren't back yet!'

Claudia and Mia just laugh as Mia goes to get the door. I don't hear any cheering as I would expect from our friends arriving, so I curiously begin to move into the house toward the front door when I hear Mia call for me.

'Bettina! There are a couple of people here asking for you.' She steps back, opening the door wider, and I see two people that I hoped wouldn't come. Marc's parents.  
'Bettina, dear, how are you? Who is this delightful woman?' While giving me a rather tight hug, Marc's mother, Inge, immediately begins asking questions. Wolfgang nods to Mia before giving me a much briefer hug than his wife. Behind them, Mia closes the door gently and looks more uncomfortable than I've ever seen her.

'Hello, Inge, Wolfgang. I wasn't expecting you to come.' I tried to be as civil as I could with them. There was a time when I agreed with them, wanted to stay angry at everything, play the victim, but I didn't want a miserable life or a miserable child. I firmly believe that cutting Marc off from Benno would have driven a wedge between us as my baby grew up without a father. Anger and hate only make you tired and hard, so I didn't see the point of spending my life wanting revenge, while the others moved on and were happy.

Speaking for the first time, Wolfgang stood a bit straighter. 'I wouldn't miss my grandson's first birthday party. Certain people will just have to handle that fact on their own. That is if he is even here? I wouldn't expect much from him now.'

The anger I feel rising would have me lashing out at them and that wouldn't end well for anyone, so thankfully Mia steps in. 'Hello! I'm Mia, by the way; a friend of the family.' She holds her hand out for each of them to shake and they take it hesitantly. 'I believe you know Claudia and Frank! Claudia is out back with the babies helping us finish setting up.' Thank goodness for Mia and her quick thinking in tricky situations.

I lead the way down the hall and out the back door into the yard. They greet Claudia and ask after her baby girl. Ask Inge looks around, she spots Dietrich running after a bug of some sort. 'Who is the other little one?' Oh, Inge, always wanting into other people's business.

'Dietrich, come here!' Mia calls to her boy. As he runs over (I don't think that boy has any other setting now that he's steadier on his little legs), Mia speaks to Inge. 'This is Dietrich, my little boy. He's only a few months older than Benno and they get along really well. They will be great friends and keep a good eye on little miss Sofia here as they grow.'

One moment when both of the older Borgmans are occupied, Mia turns to me and says, 'Don't worry, I sent a message to Marc letting him know that his parents had shown up. The four of them are prepared. It's better than blindsiding them.'

I let out a sigh of relief. Maybe this won't completely blow up in our faces. The five of us continue to chat for a few minutes awkwardly, each trying to figure out what to do when the men come back… that is not an encounter I am looking forward to.

'I think Dietrich needs a new diaper, and I'm going to see if the men will be back soon- we're running short on time.' Mia moves to pick the boy up and nods to me in assurance before walking inside. I take that as a signal that they will be back soon and to head off the explosion.

Unfortunately, Wolfgang catches the plural in Mia's words and begins to turn red. 'Men? Bettina, please don't tell me that she means what I think she means.' Inge moves next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

I have to take a big breath before speaking, 'The guys are part of our big family, too. All of us are happier now, though we aren't related by blood we are more family than most blood-related families I've seen.' This seems to put them more on edge. 'And if you don't accept this family as it is, I can't have you being a part of Benno's life. He doesn't need people who are supposed to love him feeding him lies about his own father.' If it's possible, Wolfgang becomes almost purple and Inge starts to breathe quickly.

Right at that moment, six people come back through the door to the yard. First comes Frank, and he goes to stand beside Claudia, picking up Sofia who has started whining quietly. Next is Luis, my boyfriend of four months who comes to join me and wraps his arm around my waist. Clearly they know what's going to happen and are getting protective. Benno is still happily playing near the fence, poking a stick through it and giggling when it gets stuck.

Mia comes back through with Dietrich holding her hand. When she comes to stand on the other side of me near the table, it feels like we are all holding our breath before the detonation. Marc comes out first, followed closely by Kay, their hands clasped closely together.

I'm pretty sure we can all feel the whoosh of air as Wolfgang prepares to yell and everyone, even the children, tense further. 'What the hell do you…' His shout is cut off by the doorbell ringing. Never before have the words "saved by the bell" been more accurate.

'That would be the guests!'


	12. Final Resolutions

Marc

I knew from the moment that Mia sent that message that we would be in for it when we got to the house. Honestly, I both am and am not surprised my parents decided to come to the party. They always showed their unwavering support for Bettina and refused to even look in my direction after everything happened. The message came in as we were in line to check out at the grocery store and I immediately froze. The others looked at me to see what was wrong. Frank had a look on his face as if he knew what had happened.

While we were in the car on the way back we talked strategy. Three of the four of us being in the polezei has its advantages. Luis works for some sort of computer science company- about as far removed from the polezei as you can get. He really is a great guy, though, good for Bettina and does a fantastic job with Benno.

Now, standing in front of my parents for the first time in almost a year, I wasn't afraid to face them head on. Finally I know who I am and what is important to me- and being surrounded by my chosen family I have the strength to be who I choose to be. My father began to shout angrily, but our guests arrive for Benno's birthday party.

Bettina moves to let them in and I look directly at my parents, tightening my hold on Kay's hand. 'I'm glad you're here. Benno loves seeing you both, but if you cause a scene and ruin this party you will be asked to leave. If you want to have any form of discussion it will wait. Enjoy the party, Mom, Dad.' With that I pull Kay to the yard to greet my little boy.

While I loved my new station and new team, it was hard not getting to see Benno more than a few times a month. It seemed like he grew more and more in between visits, and I didn't want to miss any of the big things. He runs (as well as his hobbling will allow) to Kay and I and reaches up for me to pick him up. I lift him and throw him into the air, eliciting a laugh.

'The party has arrived!' Our friends begin to filter into the yard. Lukas and Jocelyn come out first, with Willa, Emma, and Ada close behind. Laughing, We all join together and greet each other with a lot of chatter and laughter. My parents are still standing on the porch by the table, looking decidedly uncomfortable. To my relief, Mia walks over to them to talk. If anyone can get through to them, it would be her, she's truly a miracle worker. Look at what she has done with the rest of us here. Who would have thought we'd all come so far?

Mia

I can't stand to see anyone as defensive and angry as these two people are. Knowing that they are Marc's parents makes it even harder. I keep Dietrich with me- a calming strategy as I approach them. They haven't moved since the other guests arrived. 'Hi again.' They give me surprised looks. 'I know I introduced us before, but there has been a lot going on. This is Dietrich and I'm Mia. You are Mr. and Mrs. Borgman, correct?'

Inge is the first one to crack, watching Dietrich mess with a teething toy in his hands. 'Yes, but you can call me Inge and this is Wolfgang. How do you know Bettina?' That is a dangerous question.

'I've actually become acquainted with Bettina about six months ago and the boys loved playing together. Marc I've known close to a year now. He actually is renting a room from me in Ulm while he gets settled. Marc has been a great help with Dietrich, and I suppose it's good practice for him when Benno comes to stay or when he comes here.'

Wolfgang had relaxed slightly. 'Marc has made some questionable choices in the last year, it's good to hear that he is doing something well.' I can't help but look to my friends at that comment. I have never seen them happier or more content.

I give them each another smile and rock a little with Dietrich. 'Marc is doing really well. The whole team loves him, apparently during training he's helping some of the instructors, and Bettina is always happy when they meet up with Benno. You'd be proud of the life he has built.'

'Yes, well, he wouldn't have had to build a new life if he hadn't messed the first one up needlessly.' Inge is clearly frustrated, so I know to tread carefully.

'Let me ask you a question, if I may.' I wait a moment to see their consent. They nod slowly, not sure about how to react. 'What do you want most for Marc? When he was a baby, just like his own child now, what did you wish for him?'

They took a moment, thinking back to happier times. 'To be happy and healthy.' Inge starts. 'To love and be loved, and have a family of his own.'

Wolfgang joins in. 'I always wanted him to follow me into the force and he's done that. I wanted him to be strong and independent.' We stood in silence for a few minutes, letting their thoughts filter through and listening to the happy chatter from the other guests.

When I speak again, I speak softly and calmly. 'What then, of your dreams for him when he was a child have changed now? Has he not fulfilled all of those dreams you had for him? Look at your son, truly look at him. Does he seem happy? Look around the yard- are there people that love him? Does he not have a family all around him and an adorable little boy who adores him? He is doing well as an officer with a team that respects him. Does he look strong to you? Even if the things that have happened in the last year were entirely his doing, he has come out the other side of it stronger than ever. He has to be strong to stand up to the people he wants approval from the most. With all of that, I ask you- what more could you want for him?' They look honestly dumbstruck and have to process all that I just said. After a few more moments, I finish by saying, 'It may not be what you expected or what you agree with, but it would make your son the happiest, strongest, and bravest person I have ever known (aside from my brother) to have the support of the people he looks up to the most. Will you give him your love or leave your son without parents to support him?' With that, I leave them to think about their choice.

Marc

Benno reaches for Kay and I pass him over for a hug while everyone disperses through the yard. Over the next 45 minutes more people come. Mostly work friends of Bettina's or old friends and relatives that no one really remembers the connection to anymore. Frank put himself in charge of the grill, so that left the rest of us free to mingle.

'I can't believe he's already a year old!' Britt had come in just a few minutes ago and was still making her initial conversations. I nodded and smiled at her. 'So much has changed in such a short time. You know, the replacements they got for you guys are terrible. I'd much rather have you back, though I guess that's unlikely, right?'

Kay answered for me. 'Nope, we are perfectly happy with our new team. They are much more… unbiased than other people we have worked with.' Emma, who is standing nearby with Ada, gives Kay a pat on the shoulder and jumps in.

'Yeah, we love having these guys, thank you for whoever chased them off. They are fantastic and are a great addition. Just in time, too. We almost got some guy who has a habit of harassing people who are 'different' and we don't need that negativity on our team, do we, boys?' She grabs Ada's hand and continues on her rant. 'My name is Emma and this is my wife Ada. I'm on the team with Kay and Marc.'

Britt is speechless for a second before holds her own hand out for Emma and Ada to shake. 'Britt. I worked with these two here in Stuttgart.' After a few more pleasantries, she walks away toward some of the other guests she already knew.

'I hope Emma didn't scare her off.' Ada apologizes for her. 'You know she has a tendency to be rather outspoken.'

We just stand there and scoff. 'No,' Kay says. 'Britt is always like that. She's super standoffish until she's comfortable with you. Knowing Emma is an officer too will help.'

Looking around the yard, I see it filled with family and friends, most I know and some I don't. My parents are conversing with the few people they know, occasionally sending withering glances toward Kay and me and dubious looks at Emma and Ada, who aren't shy about their marital status- but they stayed and that gives me hope. The number of children seems to have multiplied, and some of the decorations are being used as play weapons or other imaginary items in the games of the older children. The babies and toddlers are in the designated play area, blocked off from being trampled and provided with plenty of toys and entertainment.

For once in my life, I can truly say that I'm happy. Yes, there are problems here and there- nothing is perfect- but it feels damn near that. Kay and I have only been an official pair for several months at this point. We spent a good few months getting familiar with each other again, rebuilding that trust on both ends, and really learning about each other in a way we had never been able to before. And we're happy. No one knows what will come next, but for now life couldn't be better. I have the family I could only have dreamed about, the man I never knew I needed but can't live without, and the hope of a long life with everyone ahead. I can only try my hardest to give him everything he gives me and make him as happy as he makes me.

At some point during the party we get everyone together to get pictures- by family and as a group- and my parents joined us.


End file.
